Haircut.

I remember the last time I got a haircut!

I went in and sat down, but then I realized that I didn't have enough money!
So, I went outside and punched some people outside until they died and then I took their money.
When I got enough for my haircut, I went in and got it cut.
Then I left and, when a car drove by, I pulled open the door and kicked the guy inside and dragged him out. I jumped in and drove off in my newly acquired 'Buffalo'.
But the cops were after me!
So I waited until they were right up next to me and put in the weapons cheat!
I hit R2 to look right and a rat-a-tat-tat shot the copper's car until it caught on fire!
I swiveled my control stick and drove away, hitting both the shoulder buttons so that I could watch the explosion behind me!
KABOOM!
But I accidently drove into a wall, and my car caught on fire. I quickly pressed triangle and leapt for my life!
I rolled on the road as my car trundled away into heavy traffic and exploded.
Before I could notice, there was a policeman behind me shooting!
So I R2 R2 R2'd over to my shotgun and shot him in the head!
Suddenly I was surrounded! They all shot at me!
SO I R2 R1 L1 X UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT AND ALL MY HEALTH CAME BACK
I shot them all full of lead!
A police helicopter flew towards me, and I switched to my rocket launcher and shot it down!

Then there was a power outage

An Important Day!

According to what I just read, it's Ocarina of Time's tenth anniversary!
What a fantastic game.

Oh, and voting or something.

A Good Weekend

This was a great weekend!

Besides the usual obvious being-the-weekend which makes weekends great, and having better weather than usual.

It was halloween! And I had a secret guest! No more on that.

For halloween I went as a mobile warmachine. I built a thing to fit over my head out of cardboard and styrofoam cups and expensive art paper. I also built a shoulder thing out of cardboard. Then I put duct tape over the whole thing because paint is too expensive. Pictures if I feel like it.

I could have worn my normal, metal, functional warmachine suit, but i didn't want people cowering in fear (which they did anyway). Plus it's hot in there.

What else happened this weekend?

My escapades through time called for every one to put their clocks back. Kinda sucks.

I was up and ready to go to my meal between breakfast and brunch when I realized that the hours had to go back. So I had to wait another hour to go to lunch!

I was not pleased. I was so angry that I resurfaced Atlantis, re-sunk it, resurfaced it again, and bombed it.

Oh yeah, and voting tomorrow. Good idea? I think so.

Anything else this weekend?

Nothing comes to mind. The rest of time was taken up by lazing... secretly!

This weekend:

Um

I didn't really do much...

On Saturday I went to a football game and we won. Excitement! It may be more exciting now that I understand the rules. That would be a big part of it.

When it was done my roommate and I bent down to pick up our drinks (we had been standing up from cheering) and bonked our heads together. He didn't get up so I left.

Um

...And today I did my homework. Exciting!

Not much else.

I went back in time and created the idea of rights for women. If you check your textbooks, it should say my name now, if you happen to be following the timeline as it split from that point!

Time travel, eh?

Maybe I'll talk about more time-based escapades later.

Friday (Five-day)

Friday I only had one class.

Art History.

All class involved me, more or less, smacking the crap out of everyone.

After that I had lunch, during which I burned a waffle totally on purpose.

I've pretty much been on my computer all day since, rescuing the internets from ruffians and dogs.

Oh I hate dogs.

Good news:

Staring at this bright screen for hours seems to have granted me the ability to fly. I stole a hotdog from a guy and put a child in a tall tree.

Edit: This concludes a week in the life of Greg. Why not do a victory lap (in a viking helmet)?

Thursday (Third-day)

Today I woke up late since I was up late writing my blog. (I'm sure we all remember that.) I ran into the wrong bathroom for my shower; I realized because there were women in the shower with me. Rather packed in.

I scooted over to English class. On my request we watched cartoons throughout the class. Someone in the back started texting. The clicks sent me into a blind rage and I managed to force his leg down his throat up to his knee.

At lunch I got everything I didn't like so I would have a lot to play with while everyone else ate real food.

Later was Drawing class. (A critique day.) Teach set my picture aside and put everyone else's into a pile. He doused theirs in kerosene and lit it on fire. He held mine above his head, dancing around the fire, lit from below. He shrieked "This is it! This is it!" and then released a multi-syllabic yell which deafened some of the closer students.

After dinner (a child) I went to the gym and politely rid a few people of their girlfriends. I'm so polite. They really are too much work.

After walking through the rain (not a single drop hit me; my evasion skills are that great) I came online and wrote this. If you want to know what I wrote, look up a couple of paragraphs.

Wednesday! (Huh, who, what-day?)

Well, technically it's Thursday right now.

But it doesn't matter since nothing happened today (yesterday).

Nothing.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened Wednesday to you. (in the great scheme of things.)

Of course, chaotic things may have happened had I not I kept the natural motion of time and the alignment of the planes in order today. I fear we may have suffered an incredible collapse had I not intervened.

I would relate the story, but it was bought from me for a movie idea. The price I accepted was a large island. (Madagascar.) Expect the movie sometime soon. I told them I should be played by Jackie Chan, considering how much I look like him.

A picture of myself/Jackie Chan (it's hard to tell!)

Anyway, Thurday. I wonder what wonder (ha) this day will hold.

Good night.

Tuesday! (Two-day)

This Tuesday!

After waking up at nine I sprung out the door and landed on someone walking by. I was moving so fast that I showered without getting wet. I returned to the room, devoured some breakfast and read something that I should have read the previous week (I would have, but I had monsters to fight)

I sprinted to English class (11 o'clock) in a matter of seconds and juggled the professor and a few students for the entire class. After English I was supposed to go to some seminar thing but I skipped it and went to lunch instead, which involved me eating all the food on Earth.

Later I went to Drawing class and I drew everything so perfectly the professor's head exploded all over my shoes. It smelled bad.

Later I glided to Anthropology, where we were due to take a test. I offered her a deal: I wont take the test, and she wont be quartered.

She made the right choice.

Right now I'm sitting alone in my room on the computer. I guess everyone's scared of me...

And so they should be.

Monday! (One-day)

Alright!

I'm going to lead you through an average week in my life as a super-duper college man.

This Monday...

I woke up around seven which was early for me. I threw a dart at my roommate for waking me and went back to sleep. I didn't get up until nine, which still gave me time to shower and shave my extremely long beard that grew during the night, and I barely fit in time for one or two women before my first class at eleven, Art History.

Having learned everything about art (ever) I can usually sleep through that class, but today I jumped around on peoples desks and threw their books around. The teacher yelled at me, so I ate her.

After class we went to lunch at the Van Houten hall. The giant painting of grandma Van Houten welcomed us in and we all kissed it in turn. I remember a story about someone who didn't kiss the painting... horrendous things happened to her. Horrendous.

Anyhoo, while most people I went to lunch with ladled the 'nutritious' meals onto their plates, I pulled screws out of the displays and chewed on those a little. I even put salt on one. I do enjoy flavor.

After getting back to the dorms I finished my art project that I had been too above finishing the previous day. It was pretty boring. I got a phone call from the President; he needed me to tell him the best way to dispose of harpies. Apparently a bunch of them got loose. He asked me if I would do it but he wouldn't accept a price high enough. Silly president.

At three o'clock I saddled up my steed and rode to the hall on the other side of campus. I think I may have trampled someone. Two someones. It was a critique day today in my 2D Design class, and after an hour of praising my project, the teacher got annoyed that no one else was contributing (or as good as I, I don't remember) and he let us go early. (That'll teach us!)

I came back and moped for a while before going to dinner (more screws), and then I went lifting at the gym but they didn't have enough weights.

As of this writing, the Steelers are winning.

I'm At College Now

Well, I have been for two weeks, but I had to make sure that there weren't any undercover operatives here so I could set up my base of operations.

I'm not sure about my roommate though; his tie-dye shirt confounds the mind. I'm sure he's hiding something under all that facial hair. Maybe... secrets?

Not much in the way of danger here, for the most part. I've heard people talking about a ghost on the fifth floor, but I also heard tell of it being on this floor. Sometimes my door rattles at night, and though I cower in my blanket and mutter for it all to go away, I'm actually trying to force it into showing itself so I can get it.

It's been pretty boring around here. Besides stabbing someone who asked for a quarter in the neck with an ebony pencil, I haven't had to do much with my license to kill.

But there are a lot of suspicious people around here...

I'll need to do some more research.

Stick around!

Ice cream.... and so did theyce

After running down old ladies and other evildoers for the greater portion of the day, I suddenly found myself craving a good bit of ice cream. So I traveled to the local ice cream joint.

I waited in line for a while; I realize I could have just shoved my way to the front of the line, but I fancied a rest for a difference. The only interesting thing that really happened in line was when I threw a dagger into a kid's throat for being too noisy. But then I got to the front of the line...

I ordered a blast (Blasts being ice cream with bits mixed in... delicious) with Nestle Crunch in it. I stood for a while as they made it, soaking in the beautiful day. The birdsong truly rose my spirits.

Soon enough my blast came and I paid for it. I put a spoonful in my mouth...

I shrieked at the top of my lungs. Looking down at the floor (for I had dropped my cup) I could see that they hadn't given my Nestle Crunch, but instead some poor substitute of darker chocolate and nuts instead of delicious crisp rice.

I entered into a deep rage that can only be described by the feeling that overcomes one whenever they receive a flavor in their mouth other than the one they expected. Still tasting the inferior chocolate on my tongue, the world spun; I heard shouts and blacked out.

I awoke three hours later in a ditch miles away. I had surprisingly fewer clothes on, scratches and cuts on my skin, and the smell of smoke on my body. I had a bullet hole in my leg so it was hard to walk, so I called the butterflies to me. Thousands of butterflies alighted on me and carried me home.

I drew this

I was working the cafe today, so it was pretty boring and slow (besides the frequent attacks, but they get repetitive), so I took some register tape and drew this.

He's a robot policeman that takes everything too seriously. Here he's trying to get some Jaywalkers.

I like this. Normally I don't like my doodles.

Fun fact: The president gave me the Washington Monument after he saw this amazing drawing. I'm going to knock it down and rebuild it out of K'nex.

Who knew

I got a new laptop (Macbook Pro), which will of course be useful in keeping my top secret government information safe from evil-doers. Also, it allows me to keep on the move while writing blog posts so I don't get inundated with fans whenever I sit to type.

That reminds me.

The other day at work I left to go outside for my break, because the smell of stinky old ladies practically crapping themselves in my line had escalated to the point of being unbearable. Outside were a bunch of teenagers hanging around; fans of mine no doubt. They hung around their cars like losers and upon returning inside I let a manager know. She told me to shoo them away.

I shot them.

Well, I shot one of them, but that made the rest of them leave.

I dragged the body inside and I'm not sure what the manager did with it, but I heard lots of disembodied shrieks and a dark aura appeared around the outline of the door.

Later on my manager emerged from her office with blood dripping from her mouth and gave me a free lunch coupon. I used it to buy ten Rolo...ses.

On Rachel*

*(Not literally, mind you)





Well, it's crumblestorming here in the hilly hills of Hillsburgh, so there are significantly fewer troublemakers threatening me. So today I can talk about something... fantastic!


Brilliant!


Beautiful!


And Lovely!





My lovely Rachel! My love!

This is an old picture, but whatever.

Why, I remember the first time we met. It was love at first sight (perhaps)

And now you're going to hear about it. If you dont want to, then you can leave.

It was the very beginning of my life in the force, and I was in charge of securing the weaponry on the Cosmocraft 3. We were pursuing a bunch of aliens on a vessel which had started a bar fight on Earth, and they had up until this point been doing a good job of evading us. Rachel was one of the many others in the room with me. As she handed me one of the new antimatter rays with super-stylish action, the ship was jostled and she fell into my arms. Whatever it was, be it the flashing red alarms against her cheeks, or the wailing sound the ship made speeding through lower hyperspace a few miles above the surface of Venus, I fell in love instantly. My heart burned brighter than the sun, even as we skirted past mercury.

Sigh... young love!

Oh, it's stopped raining. I'm going to go out with my lovely Rachel now... lovely greasy sandwiches!

You wont believe what happened!

Remember those beets I got from the hobo last time? Well, after testing and discovering that I detested them, I tossed them out into the yard. But the problem me throwing things into the yard is that I have the greenest thumbs ever. Ever. I've made people go blind. Anything I throw into the yard grows huge. There's the one time I threw an intruding spider outside... but that's another story!



Anyway, when I woke up this morning I began my normal morning schedule when I saw a huge shadow in my backyard... it was a beet that had grown all the way to the clouds! After finishing my usual breakfast of raw eggs, nails and spit, I jumped on the beet and climbed up towards the top.



After what seemed like an eternity of climbing I poked my head through the wet whiteness of the clouds and saw the last thing I expected: a gargantuan mini-golf course. A giant clomped over to me and picked me up by my shirt. He told me that he had been waiting years- with nothing to do but practice- for a worthy adversary to play him at mini-golf. He told me that he was excited that I had shown for I was respected by him, as he had been watching my escapades from up above in the clouds. He than began to tell me the story of how he got up there.

Before I could get bored I grabbed a huge golf club and knocked his feet out from under him. He fell off the edge of the cloud and landed in a lake/body of water near my house. I climbed back down and took the beet to the nearest fair and won the prize for "Biggest and sexiest beet."

Then I burned the place down.

Graduation

Yeah, I just graduated. It went faster than I expected. Also it was HOT!
I also got my driver's license, which is very exciting. It sits in my wallet, right next to my license to kill.

SPEAKING OF WHICH

So I'm sitting at my computer, watching my favorite tv show online (My Life As A Teenage Robot) when suddenly... a meteor crashed through my window, shattering shards of glass into various objects in the room (me). I grabbed a shard of glass and threw it, perfectly, professionaly, ninja-star-esque-ly, at the meteor, which subsequently split down the middle. Out of this split meteor flew a tiny flying saucer which proceded to fly out of the hole in my wall. I gave flight in my car, of course, determined to get these tricky fleeers to pay for my window.

Their ship moved very quickly, but luckily my car moved quickly as well. I gave chase in my car which I could now drive by myself; previously I had needed a parent with me on my high-speed chases. I followed them onto the convenient straight road (obviously extra-terrestrials with an inability to think things through) where my vehicle could begin to gain extra speed. I drew my gun and got a prize for it. Then I pulled out my gun and shot at a stabilizer on the underside of the saucer. Left with an inability to alter their position on the z-axis (go up and down, stupid) I could easily reach out the window and grab them.
So I did.
I knocked the saucer to the ground as would someone playing defense in a game of ultimate frisbee. The craft was destroyed from the contact and ceased to function.

In the midst of the chase I had forgotten my intention to receive recompensation for my broken window. I traded the remains of the ship with a hobo for some beets.
I put a sheet over the hole in my wall and my parents didn't notice.
I threw the meteor at some kid on his bike and he fell over.

Illness

I happen to be sick, with a mysterious cold, perhaps spurning from the proximity of my also sick girlfriend, or perhaps the acceleration of 'lergies' already housed within my imposing system.

But no mere common cold can keep me from my life of mystery and espionage, of course.

Would you like to hear? Of course you would.

It was Friday, the second day of my math final. I had suspected foul play from watching my surroundings the following days; I was the only one that saw the five cloaked men hiding in the room, watching us. It was hard to pretend not to notice them- if it were not for my amazing concentration skills I could have given away that I had seen them there. I memorized their hand motions to eachother and deciphered their plans.
Anyway, on this Friday, the fourth day I had seen them I had planted secret technology on my person. Very secret technology. So secret, I wont tell you about it. I'll just tell you how it all went down. Just imagine me using gadgets, because I was. Expertly.
Anyway, on this Friday they struck. They shifted in the shadows, spraying gas from their guns, concealed until this point. This gas, when inhaled by the thoughtless students I share my class with, caused them to freeze where they were, in muscle and thought, and upon awakening they would have felt as though but a few seconds had passed. Thankfully, due to one of my gadgets, I had been unaffected.
I jumped at the first one, snapping his neck and killing him instantly. I ducked the bullets shot from another one and lifted my pencil; the riccochetting bullet grazed the pencil and killed him. I jumped at a third and a fourth, I forget how many there were. I eventually stood, victorious, before a mountain of bodies of these men. My only injury was a graze on my right forearm.
I went to the nurse and she put a Scooby-Doo band-aid on it.
Then I snapped her neck.
She had seen too much.

A Story

So
I'm
at
work
and zombies attacked!
Naturally, this pissed me off, so I leapt to action, as only I can.
I clambered up the very inconveniently placed poles that stick through the middle of the store and through the exposed piping of a company too lazy to put ceilings in their buildings, as people in my line, worried more about getting their groceries than being eaten by zombies, complained up at me from below.
From my robotic exoskeleton, which I always wear to work for such an occasion, I flipped a flamethrower and a spinning blade-disc-of-death, from my left and right arm, respectively.
I leapt down from the ceiling, B.D.oD. churning and flamethrower spewing, into the middle of the produce section.
As zombie parts flew in front of me and disintegrated in the heat, some fat lady came up behind me and pounded on my back, complaining I had crushed her child's birthday cake she had just retrieved from the bakery section. I didn't hear her through the whirring, churning, clanking, squeeling gears and wires of my exoskeleton so I believed that a zombie had somehow gotten behind me and was crawling on me.
She died shortly thereafter.
After realizing my mistake, I carried the body (a feat I could have not performed without the increased strength from my exoskeleton) to the meat department. They packaged it and sold it on sale, and I rang it up for people all day.

The end!

Uno

Cinco de Mayo.
Churros.
Girlfriend.
Ribena.
Amazement!
I want to hop around like a monkey.

More coming soon!