I will not be doing anymore of these angry-at-shopper posts anymore, because I work in produce now, so I'm not angry at the shoppers anymore. It's great!
Sorry about my big lack of updates, in between saving the world it's tough to get some time in for blogging about my... my... escapades.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
How to be a Better Customer Two
B. THE LOBBY
1. There's not much you can do here. Most shoppers are only in the lobby for .5..05% of their time at the store. But, with the right guidance, you can impress a lot of people.
a. A great way to get noticed is to stand around the door, hindering everyones' entrance and exit. You'll be surrounded by fans in no time.
b. Before you grab your cart, you may want to wipe it down with some disinfecting wipes, because they'll be sure to save you from the dirty dreaded viruses that conglomerate on the carts, one touch of which will send your world into a spinning turmoil of disease and guilt, as you pass it on to everyone that you meet.
i. For bonus points, instead of putting the used wipe into the cart or a convenient trash can around the corner, just throw it on the ground, or leave it in another cart in line.
ii. While on the subject, be sure not to take a cart with a used wipe in it. Everyone knows that if they come across a cart with a used wipe in it, that it is totally and utterly unusable. If you take one, you will be deemed unclean and unworthy of life by you peers.
c. If you wish to peruse some of the items that are in the lobby now and then, make sure to take up as much space as possible.
1. There's not much you can do here. Most shoppers are only in the lobby for .5..05% of their time at the store. But, with the right guidance, you can impress a lot of people.
a. A great way to get noticed is to stand around the door, hindering everyones' entrance and exit. You'll be surrounded by fans in no time.
b. Before you grab your cart, you may want to wipe it down with some disinfecting wipes, because they'll be sure to save you from the dirty dreaded viruses that conglomerate on the carts, one touch of which will send your world into a spinning turmoil of disease and guilt, as you pass it on to everyone that you meet.
i. For bonus points, instead of putting the used wipe into the cart or a convenient trash can around the corner, just throw it on the ground, or leave it in another cart in line.
ii. While on the subject, be sure not to take a cart with a used wipe in it. Everyone knows that if they come across a cart with a used wipe in it, that it is totally and utterly unusable. If you take one, you will be deemed unclean and unworthy of life by you peers.
c. If you wish to peruse some of the items that are in the lobby now and then, make sure to take up as much space as possible.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
How to be a Better Customer One
Congratulations!
If you're reading this, you've become interested in the fine art of being a customer at some grocery store. It may work at other sorts of stores, but try at your own risk.
I will put this up part by part for a while, describing the proper way to go about shopping at a grocery store from start to finish, in as great depth as I can manage. Anything I forget, I will add in the following post.
Since I have the most experience working with Giant Eagle, their stores can be visual aids.
A. THE PARKING LOT
1. Pulling up- It takes a seasoned shopper to know how to pull up correctly. Without this guide you may find yourself just pulling into a parking space as quickly as possible. This guide should prepare you with tips on how to make a great opening.
a. Driving up right behind people, almost running down employees collecting carts from outside, or zooming around unsafely are great ways to let people know you've arrived.
b. On the other hand, as you drive around you can do so as slowly and painfully as possible. Edging around turns and backing up slower than a diseased turtle are surefire ways to show people what your life is about!
c. For advanced shoppers; a great way to ann-... impress your fellow shoppers is to pull up on the curb right next to the store and turn your four-ways on a get out to shop. If you're a beginner, you may want to have someone stay at the wheel; experienced customers are cleared to do this by themselves. The idea of grabbing a car left so wrongfully out-of-place in front of the store and driving it off a cliff has entered many a cashier's mind (self included) but they're too much of wussies to actually do it.
2. Parking- While neophytes may think of parking as just another step in getting inside the store, parking correctly is an art form and needs to be studied.
a. One great way to get yourself noticed is to speed for good parking spaces against other cars at breakneck speed, possibly breaking necks in the process. Remember: If you don't get a space within at most fifty feet from the entrance, it's not worth it. Keep circling until one opens up, and claim it as quickly as possible.
b. Oppositely, you could park as far away as possible. Why would you want to do this, you ask? There are several reasons, each guaranteed to make you many friends. These techniques are for experienced shoppers only, you need to sound convincing. You could park really far away and then walk all the way to the store so that you could complain about not getting a close parking spot. While this doesn't have anything to do with the store's management and instead depends entirely on traffic that day, you can still use it as a complaint against the store! Also, if your trip to the store passes in front of the employee's outside smoking area, then you can complain about having to walk past it, even though it was your fault entirely. There is room for expansion! Experiment!
3. To the Store- A boring trip, you say? No; another chance to leave your mark!
a. A simple way of doing this is to walk slowly where cars are driving. Odds are (By the amount of people that visit my page) that they will have read this guide as well and will be in a rush to try it out (Unless they're practicing 1b.) Walking slowly where they need to drive will leave them nothing to focus on but your beautiful self. Revel in the attention.
b. A more dangerous way to walk: walk as close behind, to the side, or under (If you're really into it) cars that are moving, to give them a scare of their life! The jump start to their heart will make them thankful. Or dead?
More to come!
This will be edited if I've forgotten anything.
Good luck!
If you're reading this, you've become interested in the fine art of being a customer at some grocery store. It may work at other sorts of stores, but try at your own risk.
I will put this up part by part for a while, describing the proper way to go about shopping at a grocery store from start to finish, in as great depth as I can manage. Anything I forget, I will add in the following post.
Since I have the most experience working with Giant Eagle, their stores can be visual aids.
A. THE PARKING LOT
1. Pulling up- It takes a seasoned shopper to know how to pull up correctly. Without this guide you may find yourself just pulling into a parking space as quickly as possible. This guide should prepare you with tips on how to make a great opening.
a. Driving up right behind people, almost running down employees collecting carts from outside, or zooming around unsafely are great ways to let people know you've arrived.
b. On the other hand, as you drive around you can do so as slowly and painfully as possible. Edging around turns and backing up slower than a diseased turtle are surefire ways to show people what your life is about!
c. For advanced shoppers; a great way to ann-... impress your fellow shoppers is to pull up on the curb right next to the store and turn your four-ways on a get out to shop. If you're a beginner, you may want to have someone stay at the wheel; experienced customers are cleared to do this by themselves. The idea of grabbing a car left so wrongfully out-of-place in front of the store and driving it off a cliff has entered many a cashier's mind (self included) but they're too much of wussies to actually do it.
2. Parking- While neophytes may think of parking as just another step in getting inside the store, parking correctly is an art form and needs to be studied.
a. One great way to get yourself noticed is to speed for good parking spaces against other cars at breakneck speed, possibly breaking necks in the process. Remember: If you don't get a space within at most fifty feet from the entrance, it's not worth it. Keep circling until one opens up, and claim it as quickly as possible.
b. Oppositely, you could park as far away as possible. Why would you want to do this, you ask? There are several reasons, each guaranteed to make you many friends. These techniques are for experienced shoppers only, you need to sound convincing. You could park really far away and then walk all the way to the store so that you could complain about not getting a close parking spot. While this doesn't have anything to do with the store's management and instead depends entirely on traffic that day, you can still use it as a complaint against the store! Also, if your trip to the store passes in front of the employee's outside smoking area, then you can complain about having to walk past it, even though it was your fault entirely. There is room for expansion! Experiment!
3. To the Store- A boring trip, you say? No; another chance to leave your mark!
a. A simple way of doing this is to walk slowly where cars are driving. Odds are (By the amount of people that visit my page) that they will have read this guide as well and will be in a rush to try it out (Unless they're practicing 1b.) Walking slowly where they need to drive will leave them nothing to focus on but your beautiful self. Revel in the attention.
b. A more dangerous way to walk: walk as close behind, to the side, or under (If you're really into it) cars that are moving, to give them a scare of their life! The jump start to their heart will make them thankful. Or dead?
More to come!
This will be edited if I've forgotten anything.
Good luck!
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