On Rachel*

*(Not literally, mind you)





Well, it's crumblestorming here in the hilly hills of Hillsburgh, so there are significantly fewer troublemakers threatening me. So today I can talk about something... fantastic!


Brilliant!


Beautiful!


And Lovely!





My lovely Rachel! My love!

This is an old picture, but whatever.

Why, I remember the first time we met. It was love at first sight (perhaps)

And now you're going to hear about it. If you dont want to, then you can leave.

It was the very beginning of my life in the force, and I was in charge of securing the weaponry on the Cosmocraft 3. We were pursuing a bunch of aliens on a vessel which had started a bar fight on Earth, and they had up until this point been doing a good job of evading us. Rachel was one of the many others in the room with me. As she handed me one of the new antimatter rays with super-stylish action, the ship was jostled and she fell into my arms. Whatever it was, be it the flashing red alarms against her cheeks, or the wailing sound the ship made speeding through lower hyperspace a few miles above the surface of Venus, I fell in love instantly. My heart burned brighter than the sun, even as we skirted past mercury.

Sigh... young love!

Oh, it's stopped raining. I'm going to go out with my lovely Rachel now... lovely greasy sandwiches!

You wont believe what happened!

Remember those beets I got from the hobo last time? Well, after testing and discovering that I detested them, I tossed them out into the yard. But the problem me throwing things into the yard is that I have the greenest thumbs ever. Ever. I've made people go blind. Anything I throw into the yard grows huge. There's the one time I threw an intruding spider outside... but that's another story!



Anyway, when I woke up this morning I began my normal morning schedule when I saw a huge shadow in my backyard... it was a beet that had grown all the way to the clouds! After finishing my usual breakfast of raw eggs, nails and spit, I jumped on the beet and climbed up towards the top.



After what seemed like an eternity of climbing I poked my head through the wet whiteness of the clouds and saw the last thing I expected: a gargantuan mini-golf course. A giant clomped over to me and picked me up by my shirt. He told me that he had been waiting years- with nothing to do but practice- for a worthy adversary to play him at mini-golf. He told me that he was excited that I had shown for I was respected by him, as he had been watching my escapades from up above in the clouds. He than began to tell me the story of how he got up there.

Before I could get bored I grabbed a huge golf club and knocked his feet out from under him. He fell off the edge of the cloud and landed in a lake/body of water near my house. I climbed back down and took the beet to the nearest fair and won the prize for "Biggest and sexiest beet."

Then I burned the place down.

Graduation

Yeah, I just graduated. It went faster than I expected. Also it was HOT!
I also got my driver's license, which is very exciting. It sits in my wallet, right next to my license to kill.

SPEAKING OF WHICH

So I'm sitting at my computer, watching my favorite tv show online (My Life As A Teenage Robot) when suddenly... a meteor crashed through my window, shattering shards of glass into various objects in the room (me). I grabbed a shard of glass and threw it, perfectly, professionaly, ninja-star-esque-ly, at the meteor, which subsequently split down the middle. Out of this split meteor flew a tiny flying saucer which proceded to fly out of the hole in my wall. I gave flight in my car, of course, determined to get these tricky fleeers to pay for my window.

Their ship moved very quickly, but luckily my car moved quickly as well. I gave chase in my car which I could now drive by myself; previously I had needed a parent with me on my high-speed chases. I followed them onto the convenient straight road (obviously extra-terrestrials with an inability to think things through) where my vehicle could begin to gain extra speed. I drew my gun and got a prize for it. Then I pulled out my gun and shot at a stabilizer on the underside of the saucer. Left with an inability to alter their position on the z-axis (go up and down, stupid) I could easily reach out the window and grab them.
So I did.
I knocked the saucer to the ground as would someone playing defense in a game of ultimate frisbee. The craft was destroyed from the contact and ceased to function.

In the midst of the chase I had forgotten my intention to receive recompensation for my broken window. I traded the remains of the ship with a hobo for some beets.
I put a sheet over the hole in my wall and my parents didn't notice.
I threw the meteor at some kid on his bike and he fell over.